quietly, peacefully raising awareness

Yesterday morning I read about a breastfeeding mom who alleges that her manager refused her access to a private space in which to express milk.  There were a few news reports about the situation.  In each, the accused location failed or refused to comment.

This morning, I learned that some local mothers were going to gather peacefully at the location today to show support for breastfeeding mothers.  Despite having a pile of fabric still left to sew, I went to show some solidarity.

At 2:00pm this afternoon, I was joined by about six or seven other mothers and their children.  One mom brought along a friend, and member of Seal Beach's Chamber of Commerce, as well.  A newsman showed up and asked to film us--we agreed.

Towards the end of our gathering, a woman pushing a double stroller approached us and expressed her disappointment at seeing our group "protesting" one of her "favorite restaurants."  We explained that we were NOT a protest, only a peaceful gathering in support of breastfeeding awareness.  We told her that the allegation against her favorite tavern was disappointing, but that we hoped we could raise awareness about the legal protections for lactating moms.

Her reaction shocked and disappointed me.  She accused us of trying to drum up bad press about the business, admonished us for only accepting one side of the story, and attempted to shame us for our actions.  I tried to explain that we only had one side to go one as the business had denied comment, tried to point out that we were not blocking access to the restaurant, were not stopping the general public to rail against the business, and had only gathered to raise awareness about breastfeeding law.  Several of us even said that we suspected this was a case of an unaware employee (the manager) acting against corporate policy.

She either didn't listen, or didn't care.

Her arrival was just as the newsman was wrapping up, but he asked to speak with her, too.  Good reporting, I thought, as it is great to show multiple sides to an issue.  But I could not hear what she had to say and I dread the thought of what she had to say.  As I DID hear her repeatedly defend the manager and put down the waitress.

The woman could be right, of course.  The breastfeeding employee could have made up or exaggerated the situation, but to watch this other woman immediately tear down the waitress, I was gobsmacked.  But I suppose that I was not surprised.  Too often I see or hear of mothers not only failing to support one another, but even going so far as to put down other moms for making choices counter to the choices that they made.

When are we going to stop trying to tear one another apart as moms?  When are we going to treat one another with peace and love as our guide instead of jealousy and anger?  Whenever it is, it cannot come soon enough.

In about a half hour, the news piece is set to air.  I have no way of being able to watch it, but I may try to find it later.  Part of me is worried, afraid that with some creative editing the new will be able to show the peaceful gathering in support of a mom as a group of misguided, reactionary moms protesting a business.

Our detractor had a couple of other ladies with her.  All of them tried to shame us for bringing "bad PR" to the business.  Try as I might to explain to them that this could, in fact, bring the business a lot of free, great PR, they ignored me.  But I would like to express that this could actually be a boon for this business.  I'm not suggesting that other business mistreat their employees in the hopes of rectifying everything and appearing the good guy later.  But when a similar situation happened at LACMA, they were able to illustrated that while they'd failed to adequately train all their employees on their breastfeeding policies, they were willing to retrain and they even went so far as to HOST a family-friendly gathering in support of breastfeeding later.

What's the take away from this post?  I really don't know.  I confess that I am typing this up somewhat hastily and much of what I've written has not been edited.  But I wanted to document this.  And I hope that folks will read it and, perhaps, realize that it's time we support moms when and how we can.

open letter to another mom

Dear fellow mom,

I see that you have two children.  We have that in common, though my oldest was not with me today.  Just as our two kids are different from their siblings, I can assure you that my son is different from your two.  

I am sorry that my son’s crying bothered you.  But that’s what he does sometimes, he cries.  Not for milk.  Not for food.  He just cries.  Usually it is because he is in pain.  Today, that pain was teething.  Pain combined with a new environment, a lot of people, and a touch too much stimulation.  So, he did the only thing he knew at that moment to do--he cried.  

Perhaps you were too busy with your children to notice, but I tried a few different strategies to soothe him.  Sometimes when he cries, he wants to nurse but he will defiantly pull away until he realizes that he can nurse.  Sometimes, he wants to be put on the ground so he can move on his own.  I tried both, to no avail.  At times he will be so frustrated or in pain that he forgets to use his ASL.  He may want to eat, but cannot sign it.  So, I offered him food.  I even offered him a toy and some water.  He did not want any of those things.

At one point, I stood and moved around the room--even out of the room--to see if he’d calm down.  He did not.  So I returned to my seat near you to just hold him, talk to him calmly, and let him wind down on his own.

When you suggested that I “take him outside,” I was too polite then to tell you how I really felt.  I told you that my son is delightfully willful, but I would have loved to have told you that sometimes kids cry and there just is no magic wand that will stop them.  Sometimes, the best thing that a mom can do is just to be there, to let them know that mom or dad is there.  Sometimes, they just need to cry and all that we can do is hold them, talk softly to them, and let them fuss.

I can understand to a degree why his crying might have bothered you.  See, my daughter never cried like that.  She was a very easy baby, and a pretty mellow toddler.  But my son is very different.  Prior to him, I probably would have felt tempted to do what you did upon seeing a mom and child like us.  I would have wanted to make suggestions on how to get the kid to be quiet.  But I would have kept my mouth shut and silently felt sympathy for the mom.

Tell you what, I’ll tell you what you should have done and what you can do in future.  When you see a mom struggling with an upset child.  Tell her that you feel for her, and you’re proud of her for not melting into sobs, too.  Tell her that you’re glad that she is managing to keep it together, even though it is tremendously stressful.  Tell her that you’re happy to see a mom who doesn’t just smack her kid when s/he is being loud/crying/being defiant.  In other words, show some support and encouragement instead of criticism.  

By the way, you probably failed to notice that as I sat with him, held him, and talked to him, he eventually calmed down.  Alas, he continued to cry a bit, but he did wind down.  And because I calmly continued to be there, to hold him, respond to him, and talk to him, he learned that I will be there for him, even when times are tough.

Oh, and he did continue to cry a touch even after we were outside.  So much for your theory.

We’re home now, and he back to being a happy chap.  He tends to be happier in familiar places.  He’s chewing on his fingers occasionally, so I know that his teeth are still bothering him, but he is managing well.  Probably in part because he is learning that  his parents love him and accept him as he is, in any given moment, crying or no.

Sincerely,

Me

A mom to a high-needs child

My sweet, but high-needs boy with his loving dad

Humility check

I got all dolled up today in a day dress I like. (It's nice to be able to shop in my own closet again.) But I'm not so glamorous now. The baby fell asleep as I was nursing him on the floor. I'm trapped beneath him.

Rat Pack Weekend & Birthday Extravaganza

I confess.  Up until this past weekend, the only time I'd ever spent in Las Vegas, Nevada was a layover in the airport.  As I'm not a big oontz-oontz club-goer, nor do I gamble, there was really no huge desire to go to Sin City.  At least, not conventionally.

Years ago, some friends of mine and I had discussed the idea of going to Las Vegas for a Rat Pack-styled weekend.  Now THAT sounded interesting.  So when the idea was resurrected to celebrate the milestone birthdays of four fabulous fellas--I was giddy about going.

This past weekend was our Rat Pack Birthday Extravaganza and it was a royal hoot.  Major props and tremendous thanks go to Kerri "the enabler" Morin for producing the affair.  She scouted the locations and picked the times and places for our meet-ups throughout Vegas.  Our weekend would not have been nearly so much fun without her hard work.

Kerri & Carol Ann at Oscar's

Friday night we meet up at the newly renovated Plaza Hotel at Oscar's Bar for cocktails.  Oscar's tagline is Beef * Booze * Broads.  While I was there to only sample one of their offerings, I couldn't help by giggle.  And they did a great job on that count, too.  Oscar's made a tasty, well-balanced Sidecar.  The mixologists even gave the Monkey Gland cocktail a try and did a decent job.

My Brian at Oscar's

Afterwards, we wandered Freemont Street and settled in at the Gold Nugget's aquarium bar for more chatting and one more round.  The aquarium was gorgeous, but the Sidecars were just a little too sweet.

Gold Nugget

Jeff & Brian S.

Yours truly, Cat & Theresa

In hindsight, I wish that I had scheduled more of our free time at Freemont Street.  It was the classic Vegas "strip" back in the day.  It had just the right mix of tacky, naughty, and suave.

The birthday celebrations began at 3:00pm on Saturday at a Casa Fuente, a cigar bar in the Forum Shops.  Here we all raised a glass to celebrate Jeff's birthday.  I enjoyed a Jimi Hendricks cocktail.  Hendricks gin, Lillet Blanc, simple syrup and white grape garnish.  Though a touch too sweet, it was one of the better cocktails of the evening.

Casa Fuente

Jeff and his "minion" cap

Theresa, Kristina, Kerri

While I abstained from purchasing a cigar, those who did enjoyed them.  I, instead, stuck to smoking my ladies vintage pipe.  It's a gorgeous red bakelite pipe with a corncob bowl.  It has a darling rhinestone embellishment on the stem.  Perfect accessory for my cherry dress.

Smoking section

RAWR

At 5:30pm we all convened at Vesper in the Cosmopolitan Hotel.  I was very much looking forward to this bar as their menu features classic cocktails and the bar's own interpretations of those cocktails.  Alas, the drinks and the service were a disappointment.  My Corpse Reviver #2 was only okay (and I had to ask for the classic stemless cherry garnish).  Other cocktails were barely drinkable, and the service was painfully, unnecessarily slow for a mostly-empty bar with five mixologists.  Thankfully we didn't let the bar dampen our celebrations of Brent's birthday too much.  Brent's cheerful, goofy attitude was infectious and we laughed--a LOT--as we continued our celebration.

Brent goofs off

After Vesper, we were free for dinner and a change of clothing.  (It was at this time that I left my camera back at our room.  Thank goodness others had cameras!)  We met up at 8:30 at the steakhouse Smith & Wollensky to celebrate Brian S's big day.  Brian's father had called ahead and reserved a private room for our party, which was probably for the best as we all continued to be boisterous.

The food and deserts were amazing, but the drinks were unfortunate.  My Sidecar was made without fresh lemon juice and their Negroni featured a very strong dry vermouth taste that was off-putting.  Clearly this was a place for wine, not cocktails, so I enjoyed a lovely muscato with my creme brule.  It was a perfect combination.

While here, Mark and Cara used their Polaroid 100 Land camera to take portraits of us all.  Ironically, I had picked up a Polaroid 100 weeks ago, too.  Great minds and all that.  But Mark and Cara were smart enough to pick up a flash kit with the camera, which I did not.  All attempted photos taken indoors with my camera were just too dark.

Brent & Kristina

Carol Ann & Kerri

Cara & Mark

Cat & Jeff

Yours truly & Brian M.

Theresa & Brian S.

The boys

After Smith & Wollensky, we were off to finish off the birthday celebrations by raising a pint to my dapper fella, Brian M.  Where else to toast an Irishman for his birthday?  Why, Nine Fine Irishmen in New York, New York, of course!

Scrunchy face and the birthday boy

Never forget your towel!

With the birthday celebrations finished, we wandered the Strip for a brief moment before deciding that it was time to call it a night.  My Brian, Cat, Jeff and I followed Theresa and Brian back to their hotel, the Mandarin Oriental, for a night cap in their bar.  A gorgeous view, a great Negroni and a quiet end to the night.  Perfect.

The following day we decided to be lazy and lounge around our room (and enjoy the jacuzzi) before it was time to head back home.  It was a great way to top off the weekend.

My daughter's favorite thing from the weekend: jacuzzi tub

A few final observations:

• When dressed in Rat Pack era finery, expect to be gawked at and commented to all weekend.  Most comments will be complimentary, but you will get the occasional weird one.  Weirdest one of the weekend: being called Mary Poppins.  ???
• Drinks on the Strip are not nearly as strong as drinks on Freemont Street.  That said, while I drank a LOT, I was never more than buzzed.  
• Evil Dead: the Musical, in 4D--oh, if only I had known and been able to schedule time to see it.
• The idea of a 40 foot tall stripper is much more interesting than the actual thing.
• Alas, I only saw one working girl while in Vegas--but, boy howdy! was she a sight.  Bolted on boobs, inflated lips, bleach blonde hair, and a feather boa!  Oh, and she thought we all looked great, too.

HUGE THANKS to Kristina Gundersen-Rudmann and Cara Zitny for additional photos!!

Shopping and tea--what else can you ask for?!

Should the Lady by Choice ever ask you to tea, do say, "YES!"  You will not regret it.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

Store front

Tricia asked me to accompany her to check out the new Besame Cosmetics boutique in Glendale.  Afterwards, she suggested tea at the Rose Tree Cottage.  I was quite happy to join her as I'd been an online customer of Besame for years.  Plus, who doesn't love tea?!

The cosmetics boutique is absolutely darling.  It's a small store-front, but perfectly shows off Besame's gorgeously packaged, vintage-inspired cosmetics.  Gabriela, owner and founder of Besame, was on hand to show off their new products, like the violet-tinted loose powder.  She even gave us a sneak-peek on several up-coming goodies.  Coming soon items include an adorable travel case (pictured), a scarf and lipstick set created with Kenley of Project Runway fame, a reformulated moisturizer, cake mascara, and a gorgeous new powder compact.  I am very much looking forward to all of these!

Travel case-coming soon!

I could not help myself, I just had to pick up some new powder and I love it.  The violet powder is not at all chalky, but gives a gorgeous matte finish to my make-up.  The package is small enough that I could pop it into my purse for touch-ups, but I also picked up a new pressed powder refill for my on-the-go needs.

Oh!  And do take a moment to gaze at Gabriela's collection of vintage make-up and beauty items on display at her shop.

Vintage cosmetics

After our shopping adventure, we went to the tea room.  While Tricia had been once or twice before, this was my first time at Rose Tree.  It certainly will not be my last.  I am a certified tea expert (seriously, there's a bit of trivia about yours truly), and do enjoy a good cuppa as often as I can.  The Rose Tree Cottage did not disappoint.  They offer multiple seats each day for tea instead of a menu service.  Even so, they graciously accommodated my dietary restrictions without fuss.  They serve their own blend of English tea; a tasty, full-bodied black perfect for afternoon tea, but perhaps a touch light for breakfast.  I enjoyed it with a touch of milk and sugar, but it was also lovely on its own.


Alas, Rose Tree does not allow photography, so I came away without pictorial evidence.  (Tricia did ask for a photo of us to be taken, and may have posted it to her own blog.) But all told, it was a lovely tea and featured some very tasty goodies.  I was particularly fond of their Yorkshire pudding.

In addition to their tea service, they have a small store within that vends their own tea, British imported treats, and Barbour clothing.  (I found a gorgeous red Macintosh coat that, try as I might, I could not justify spending nearly $500 on.)

The day was a grand time.  Great company, shopping, and decadent tea all make for a perfect afternoon.


Here are some additional photos from the Besame store:

Tester station

Product, product, product

This darling gal sits upon the display case

Display of the new violet powder

Close-up of collection

Darling detail

My haul

[the medieval hausfrau] a clothing conundrum

I took some time this weekend to be "The Medieval Hausfrau."

Well, okay, that isn't quite true.  But "The Early Period Hausfrau" doesn't play on the name of this blog quite as well.

Viking-era 

I decided to pull out and wear a Viking-era dress and apron that I made years ago.  Viking-era clothing is certainly more comfortable than my usual Tudor-era garb, and as temperatures are getting warmer and warmer, I wanted to insure comfort.

Tudor-era

Unfortunately, I looked awful.  While much of my ghastly appearance could be directly attributed to my status as "Mom of a Toddler," some could not.  The dress just did not fit.  That's the bad news.  The good news is that my dress did not fit because it was too big.  I've lost too many inches for it look flattering, apparently.  The fullness of the skirt and apron were just perfect for casting my figure in a very prenatal light, apparently.  Thank GOODNESS no one asked me if I was pregnant.

In light of this new conundrum, I realize that I need to get behind my sewing machine again.  Frankly, I would LOVE to be sewing, but again my role as "mom" keeps me busy in just such a way to make sewing difficult when it's only the boy and I at home.  Since I have to be choosy about when I am able to sew, I think it best that I be selective about what to sew.

Bliaut

Prior to Declan, if a period silhouette caught my eye, I sewed up a basic dress.  As such, I have a couple of bliauts, a couple of Gothic fitted dresses, a couple of Viking-era dresses, some later period kirtles and over gowns, too.  Post-Declan I have to be particular and I am faced with a decision or two.

For anyone unfamiliar with the Society for Creative Anachronism, I'll provide a (very) brief summation of why I am even discussing old clothing.  My husband and I participate in a history group that attempts to recreate much of daily life, without the bad things like plague, for people who lived in the periods between 600 and 1600 AD.  So, I need something to wear when we gather en masse for a "war" or even for a day-event such as a local tournament or feast.  

14th century with hood

While some participants will stick closely to one particular time period and location, some will outfit themselves with clothes from multiple countries and multiple periods (as evidenced from my own collection outlined above).  As my free time for sewing and my closet space shrinks, I have to rein in my own "oooh, shiny" magpie behavior in favor of something more focused.  No more games of "pick a period" from my closet.

14th century

Since my preferred era clothing is not always the most comfortable for outdoor day events, I think I can justify picking two periods to focus on.  But now comes the hard part: which two?  Tudor era is the easy choice, it's filling in the other that leaves me frustrated.

Do I go with 14th century "high Medieval" to make use of the fitted gowns I currently have (but would likely need to alter)?  Do I go with something earlier to better match my husband's persona and interests?  Do I go with something altogether different?  ARGH.  Have I mentioned that I am not the best at making decisions?

On a perhaps related note, why do I always look so terrible in SCA photos?!  The best of the lot is the one with Declan in it.

Photos nabbed ages ago from Facebook, by the way.  Alas, I've forgotten the photographers by now.   If they're yours and you'd credit, please let me know.  

aftermath

My last post almost did not see the light of day.  My husband was quite surprised when I asked him to proofread the post.  For some time he had wanted to let the proverbial cat from the infamous bag, but I was the one too embarrassed (unfounded or no, being called a child abuser stings) to do so.  Additionally, I did not think that saying anything would bring about the apology that he and I both crave.  As I mentioned before, we know who it was.  While we cannot prove anything, we would still love the accuser to own up to their mistake.

Will we ever ask the accuser point-blank to apologize?  No.  An apology loses a lot of its legitimacy if one has to beg to get it.  But I know we certainly deserve one.  Boy, howdy.

I was certainly surprised by the numerous comments that both my husband and I received from people who had read about the ordeal.  Below is a smattering of comments that were posted to our respective Facebook pages:

"While reading that, I kept remembering how small [my daughter] was when she was born and how hard breastfeeding was. Hell, just *having* a newborn is difficult.. add to that any type of health issue and it can be at times overwhelming. If anyone had accused me of not caring for a small baby while I was doing everything I could to keep her healthy, MY GOD. I don't know how I would've dealt with that. I am so sorry that you guys had to go through that." --Mish

"As a former foster child and survivor of abuse I can assure you that a waste of a social workers time is deplorable.They have some of the most horrible situations to work through it is really aggravating to see their time wasted.  Also just knowing you from the distance that I do it is absolutely apparent to me that you are an amazing mom to both of your children. I am so sorry that happened to you, the person who made the accusation is a fool." --Wanda

"I suppose we would all like to think that the person in question acted out of genuine concern for your child. There is no way of knowing their intentions, of course. I think the take away is that we are all one phone call away from inconceivable heartache when a well meaning person feels that authority figures need to intervene into our lives." --Annamarie

"I have known you and your family for a very long time and I am shocked and saddened that a "friend" would do this. As a parent, I can not conceive of the stress that you were put through. I hope this all gets behind you so you can continue to raise your family well." --Scott

"This is horrible. You are both better people than I am. This is beyond the pale." --Athene

"That is some crazy ass shit." --Eric

"Nothing could be worse than being unjustly accused by a supposed friend. I am so glad your nightmare is over. I can't think of anyone less likely to abuse." --Sara

"I did not know you had to go through this, what a horrible ordeal that I cannot imagine. I am glad things turned out okay in the end, but after the hell you went through, I wish there was some level of penalty in social worker investigation protocol for people who make completely unfounded claims. I have seen several friends go through similar allegations when growing up (but these were with kids 5-9 years old) and while it scared me, I didn't quite realize what the parents were going through. I felt about those cases, just as this, that it is too easy to be accused of something groundless, and then treated like you're guilty until proven innocent in many matters like this. I have had my own reputation seriously attacked to a degree I never thought possible (although I'm not a parent) and the fear and outrage when there's nothing you can do but wait is horrible. I know it must have been much worse being a parent in such a case as this :-( Hang in there and know you have many true friends!" --Nathan

"This makes me so angry! What I hope for you and your family is that this ordeal has only made you stronger. You've moved through this with strength and dignity ...something that your "friend" should take notice of and learn from. Be blessed." --Jill

"If this person was a friend,then they would have come to you first... Unfortunately, misery loves company and when people are dissatisfied with their own lives, they tend to try and pull other people down with them. You dont need that in your lives. I hope you guys can move past this and heal your emotional scars. I think I'd wring that persons neck, if I had them in front of me." --Monica

We even had a couple of folks share the post on their page.  It has been the most viewed post on my blog.  It's gone beyond my expectations.

In short, I hope the message that people get--especially our accuser--is that if you suspect something to be wrong, ask questions.  Get answers, get the truth before letting your imagination run wild.  

Our accuser claimed that we were denying our son qualified medical attention by seeing lactation professionals and midwives.  Yet had they asked us about seeing a doctor, (or even had they read my early posts here about Declan's GERD), they would have learned that we had been working with a medical doctor, a pediatrician, since Declan was three days old.

Our accuser said that we were refusing to give Declan formula.  Yet had they asked us about it, (or even paid any attention when Declan was eating), they would have learned that Declan was being supplemented on formula and breast milk with each feeding.

Lastly, our accuser reported that Declan was lethargic and failing to thrive.  Yet had they asked us, (or paid even the slightest actual attention to Declan when awake), they would have learned that Declan was alert, vibrant, and thriving in all areas save weight gain.

I am grateful that our society has an organization focused on protecting children, but I am still angered that a very qualified case worker had to spend time clearing our names instead of actively helping children in need.  Had our accuser taken ten minutes out of their day to question us instead of calling CPS, their ten minutes would not have resulted in hours upon hours of time wasted.

To put everyone in a better mood, here is a video of my chatty (and obviously alert, happy, and healthy) boy in the bath: