[peaceful parenting] Allegation: abuse

Roughly one year ago, my family was dealing as best we could with a very difficult and very stressful situation.

I had just finished up a doctor's appointment for myself.  I was worried that if I was coming down with something it could potentially hurt my new baby.  I decided to be proactive and nip any problem in the bud, hence the doctor visit.  Thankfully, I was fine.  As I got into my car to head home, my phone rang.  The number was blocked, so per my usual routine I let it go to voice mail.

Brian had managed to get off of work early that afternoon and had met me at the doctor's office to help with the baby.  He was gearing up to ride his bike home when I frantically waved him over to the car.

I had listened to the voice mail message.  It was from a woman I didn't know.  She identified herself as being with Child Protective Services.  She was outside my home and requesting entry to follow up on a call they had received that accused me of abusing my son.

I have to stop right here for a moment.  I will wager that everyone at one point or another in their lives is accused of something that they absolutely did not do.  I know that I've on rare occasion been accused of some petty stuff in my life, but to be accused of abusing my son--it was like a gut punch to my being.

Red-faced, scared and near hysterics, I shoved the phone at Brian to listen to the message.  I was shaking, unsure if I had heard the message correctly.

Brian listened, and I noticed a look of bewilderment wash over his face.  He confirmed that I had heard correctly, but he also could not understand why CPS would be at our door.

I called back the number, but got a voice mail.  I apologized for not being at home and left as calm of a message as I could requesting that the caller call me back at her convenience.  I was still shaking.

Brian suggested that we go grab some lunch to regroup and calm down.  I agreed as I just could not see myself doing anything productive with all the shaking.  As carefully as I could manage, I followed Brian to a nearby restaurant.  Shortly after arriving, my phone rang again.  I stayed in my car for privacy and I answered.  It was the caller from before.

In an official and matter-of-fact way, the caller again identified herself as a social worker and investigator for Child Protective Services.  They had received an anonymous phone call that morning in which the caller identified me, my husband, and son by name.  This anonymous caller knew my address and phone number, too.  And they claimed that I was abusing my son through neglect, that I was refusing to get him adequate medical attention, and that I was, due to lack of milk supply, not feeding him enough, and refusing to use formula.  The anonymous caller knew details of our situation that only a friend would know, in addition to our address and phone numbers.  But they had also mixed up many of the details and left out many of the facts of our situation.

Once I heard the report as relayed to me by the social worker, I was still deeply saddened and upset, but I was also horrified to think that a FRIEND was the one who called me an abuser.  As calmly as I could muster, I outlined our exact situation: Declan was under the care of a medical doctor, his pediatrician, and had been under his care since his THIRD day of life.  Declan was diagnosed with Gastro-Esophogeal Reflux Disease and we were breastfeeding him on demand.  Additionally, we were supplementing his feedings with additional milk or formula each time he breastfed.  While he had lost weight, his pediatrician was seeing him on an average of once a week and was closely monitoring the situation.  While it was true that I could only pump an average of 1 ounce at a time, lactation professionals and medical doctors acknowledge that the amount a woman is able to pump is NOT an adequate measure of how much their baby is able to draw down.  (Babies are much more efficient at extracting breast milk than pumps are.  Not to mention, 1 ounce is enough to fill a newborn's stomach.)

During my conversation with the social worker, I expressed shock that anyone who had access to the information given in the phone call would make such an accusation.  The social worker, to my surprise, told me that it was obvious to her that any one who would make such a call was a false friend and that I should be careful about who I trusted.  She went on to say that she understood why I was feeling betrayed, and that based on what I had told her it appeared that my case would be a colossal waste of her time.  Still, she added, if a call is made she is required to investigate and that she would have to come see us.  I understood and we made an appointment for later in the week to meet.

Lunch that day was not enjoyable to say the least.

Let me interrupt again.  Breastfeeding can be stressful.  Unfortunately, stress has an adverse effect on breast milk production.  When one's son is already dealing with health issues, and seeing a doctor every few days--you can bet that there is even more stress.  But you know what?  That stress is nothing compared to the stress one feels knowing that one of you "friends" could not be trusted, and you have no idea who that is.  Additionally, knowing that you're under investigation for child abuse--no matter how unfounded--is stressful.  So there is a deep irony.  Who ever this anonymous caller was, not only were they wasting tax payer resources and the social worker's time, they were actually adding to our stress and actively making our situation worse.

I lost a fair amount of sleep over the course of a few days, but eventually the day arrived when the social worker came to visit.  Upon arrival, she examined Declan.  As she looked him over and watched him nurse, she repeated her frustration at being called out to investigate when there was obviously no abuse.  She agreed that Declan was small, but she saw an alert, happy baby with no signs of lethargy (the anonymous caller claimed that Declan showed signs of lethargy and failure to thrive, they further claimed that he may even have some brain damage).  She mentioned that who ever called in the allegation, they probably had spent almost no time with Declan directly, or that they had almost no experience with children.

Small, but happy and alert

As much as we all would have liked the "case" to have ended right then and there with that visit, the social worker had a procedure to follow.  She repeatedly stressed to us that we were not the only ones upset by the anonymous call as she would have to spend valuable time on our case instead of serving the children truly in need.  She gave us an overview of what to expect: she would have to phone our pediatrician, she would have to sift through all of Declan's medical records, a nurse would have to visit our home and validate the social worker's assessment of Declan's good health, the social worker might have to visit a couple more times.  The investigation would come to a conclusion and we would receive a notice about their findings via a letter.

Just as the social worker predicted, we had to go through the steps above.  The nurse, upon her visit, also validated our position as loving, non-abusive parents.  Declan was small, she noted, but certainly not neglected nor abused.  Admittedly, it felt good to be validated, but it would have felt better had we never been accused in the first place.

The entire process from beginning to end lasted weeks upon weeks upon weeks.  The wheels of progress move very slow in these cases, and it is stressful the entire time.  Sure, I felt better hearing from professionals who, sadly, do see cases of actual abuse telling me that it was plainly obvious to them that there not even a whiff of abuse in our case, but--again--I would have much preferred to not be in the situation in the first place.

It is an awful feeling not knowing who to trust, constantly wondering if one "friend" or another was the anonymous caller.  Brian and I withdrew for a while for fear that this anonymous "friend" might try and use anything we said or did as fodder for another call.  We also listened very closely to questions that we were asked about Declan, and to comments made to us about him.  And eventually, we figured out who it was who placed that anonymous call.

We cannot ever be 100% certain unless they come forward and admit it*, but we are mostly certain that we know exactly who did it.  We were able to use the information that they had given to narrow down the field of possible callers--not everyone has our contact information, for instance.  We used other clues from the report itself to narrow down exactly which conversations they either had with us or overheard.  And then the probable caller even used a few key words and phrases from the allegation in conversation with us after the fact.

While it was (and even IS) tempting to completely cut this person out of lives, we've decided to keep our friends close and, in this case, our enemy closer.  We still see them socially, but we now know not to trust them, particularly with Declan.  We are civil in their presence, despite wishing we could let them know just how much trouble they caused.  And we are definitely careful about what we say lest they misunderstand us again and decide to waste more tax payer money by making another call.

As for the investigation, it did eventually come to close.  The social worker had told us all of the possible outcomes.  One way or another the case would be closed.  It could be determined to be inconclusive or unfounded.  A safety plan could be put into place, or not.  Or, worst case, they could decide that there was, in fact, abuse via neglect and they could remove Declan from our custody, but this last possibility was highly unlikely as nothing had pointed to even a shred of evidence of abuse.

On October of last year, a full FIVE months after the case was opened, we received our letter.  Below is the exact text (though I have edited out our name):

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mxxxxxxxd,
Thank you for your cooperation during our investigation.  Effective 10/13/2011 your referral has been closed by this Department.  The reason for this action is that the allegation of child abuse and/or neglect was unfounded.
A SDM Safety Plan was not put into place during the investigation.  If a SDM Safety Plan was put into place, this is to advise you that as of ____ the SDM Safety Plan is no longer in effect.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding this matter, please call me.

Why after almost a year am I finally coming out to talk about this?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  While one of the first things I wanted to do after receiving that voice mail was to run to my friends for support, I knew that I could not because I had no clue which "friend" had claimed that I was a bad mother.  Additionally, I did not want to give the anonymous caller the satisfaction of knowing all the pain, all the stress, and all the crying (oh, there was a LOT of crying) that we were going through.  A real friend, with real concerns, would come to us directly with their worries.  A jealous friend, a bitter friend would hide behind a veil and deliberately stir up trouble.

So, doesn't this finally give that jealous friend the satisfaction that they wanted so badly last year?  Maybe.  But I hope that it also puts them on notice:  We know who you are now.  We know what you're capable of now.  But we also have an official piece of paper, a permanent record, that tells us how wrong you were to ever call me an abuser.  Unfounded is a new favorite word of mine.

Now, it's very possible this person only had good intentions.  They saw something that concerned them and took a misguided step to help.  But a friend? They should have come to us and found out the whole story, the true story (or even spoken with friends closer to us, as they would have known the facts), instead of giving false information to the authorities.  They made a tough situation worse.  Hopefully this will make them (and anyone else who reads this) think twice before taking a drastic step that turns lives upside down.

---

Here's my funny guy now

On a positive note, in the last several months we have all taken steps towards recovery from this harrowing experience.  I feel that I have moved closer to being able to trust people again.  I no longer live in fear of every glance towards my son.  I've even lost almost twenty of the numerous pounds that this stress put onto my poor frame.

Declan is, of course, still happy, alert, and very healthy.  He is so smart and so clever and such a sweet little boy.  We are all completely crazy about him and he continues to surprise us every day with his growth and development.

*You know who you are, of course.  And we would love to hear your apology when you are ready, but we cannot be counted on to wait forever.

Eleven months and two days

In a few days less than a month, I'll be celebrating Declan's first birthday.  Cripes.  I was just thinking about how he's been around for longer than I was pregnant with him, yet it feels like less time has past.  Weird.

Who needs toys when there are KEYS!

Yes, Declan is eleven months old now!  And boy, do we have our work cut out for us.  He is mobile.  I repeat: he is mobile.  Quick, too.  He has truly mastered his crawling technique, a combination of crawling and crab-walking.  He can make it over to the dog's water bowl in the blink of an eye.  (That being one of his favorite, forbidden "toys.")

He has also expanded his repertoire of understood words and phrases.  He now will happily push a button on one of his toys when asked to do so.  He also gives kisses on demand to Big Sis and Daddy.  (Seldom interested in planting love on Mom, ah, well.)  He also is recognizing several baby signs, including "more,"and "milk."

Exploring the grass at Mile Square Park

Speaking of food, we've learned that he loves eating whatever Mom or Dad is eating.  He will flatly reject food offered to him if it is not what he sees us eating.  Declan still snacks on crackers and cereal, but will not be pacified with eating those if he sees one of us eating something else.

We are still happily nursing, too.  His six, almost eight teeth have made nursing a bit err... "bitey" at times, but Declan only seems to bite when he is bored.  Solution: remove him from the breast when he stops actively nursing.  This is working so far for us.

LOVES the pickles at Disneyland

We have decided to delay introduction to typical trigger foods, for the most part.  (We had to order mac-n-cheese for him out of desperation when there was nothing else his system could digest while we were out once.  Now he gets it occasionally.)  No refined sugars, no chocolate, no "nuggets" of any kind.  He eats mostly whole foods, as unprocessed as possible.  It's been tricky at times (see the mac-n-cheese comment), but we've done our best.  We've had to politely beg-off cookies, cake, ice cream.  He'll have a lifetime to enjoy those treats, but we'd like to start him off enjoying healthier foods.  And he is happy to eat them, too!

Declan is become more social.  He is beginning to make it out of the stranger phase and is allowing some folks to hold him for small amounts of time.  This is a tremendous relief to me as having it has been quite awkward having to politely explain to people that it's not that he doesn't like them, he just doesn't want to be held by them.

EARS!

This past month, we introduced Declan to that SoCal institution: Disneyland.  I've found that wearing him in either his soft sided carrier or our Vatanai wrap works best.  No stroller to push, easier to navigate the crowds, and I do not even need to remove him to ride rides.  I really do pity those folks trudging along with the strollers.  What a headache that must be!  Alas, I suspect that once Declan is even MORE mobile, we just might have to join the stroller flock.  Not looking forward to it.

Declan loves just observing all the people and all the fuss at the park.  He does tolerate a few rides, but seems happier people-watching in the queue house.  I figure it is only a matter of time before he is all about the characters and the rides.

All in all, he seems to be developing apace with his peers.  He's becoming such a clever boy, but definitely all boy.  He loves bagging on objects, and turns just about everything he can hold into a hammer.

Ten months this week

One goal that I had in creating this journal was to jot my son's development.  Any regular reader of my blog can already point out that I've failed.  Thankfully, I have have failed because I've been spending so much time with my son, and not a lot of time writing about him.

Years from now, I'll struggle to remember exactly when he cut his first teeth (heck, I'm struggling to remember that now!), but I doubt that I'll regret that I chose to be with him instead of updating this blog.

To note a few milestones:

While Declan still does not crawl, he does manage to get from one place to another a few feet away with relative ease.  He does it by somewhat crawling, somewhat scooting, somewhat crab-walking.  It's fascinating to watch.  Of particular interest to him (i.e. things that he often moves toward) include the dog's water bowl, six packs of beer, and kitchen tools such as pots/pans.

Declan LOVES to stand with support.  He has even showed enough daring to let go of said support for a few seconds at a time.  Yes, we are a bit worried that he'll skip crawling all together and go straight to running.  One behavior currently holding him back from this possibility is his habit of "dancing" once in a standing position.  Declan likes to rock his body back and forth while bobbing his head.  It is dangerously cute.

He is still a champion eater and breastfeeder.  Kid eats like food is going out of style.  Particular dietary favorites include oatmeal, bananas, sweet potatoes, saltines, graham crackers, and anything on Daddy's plate.  Declan will wolf down an adult serving of oatmeal after breastfeeding, and then demand to wash it down with more fresh breast milk.  All this eating has certainly fattened him up a bit, but I confess that I'm growing tired of the "Oh, he looks healthy now" comments.  Declan did suffer from low weight, that is true.  But Declan was always healthy.  He was always alert, never suffered from "failure to thrive" and was never at risk of any significant, or permanent health problems.  Sorry for the defensiveness, but I must counter the misinformation.  Still, we love our little chunky monkey very much and have always done everything we could to care for him in the best way possible.**

Back to fun milestones.

His language cognition is amazing.  He has known his name for a long while now, but he also recognizes the words "bounce," "jump," "more," "milk," "food," "dog," and "phone."  (And those are just the ones I can recall right now.)  We are using sign language to assist his communication.  Babies usually begin signing at around 14 months or so, so Declan does not sign back yet.  But we were told to sign to him as much as possible from about 6 months onward.

Declan has a new favorite toy: his exerciser!  After a few incidents where we paid good money for an item for him only to have him reject it, we were a bit worried.  He to this day dislikes the swing, and has no love for the pack-n-play, to name a couple.  But we let him try out the toy at the store and he seemed to adore it.  He'll still in it and jump, and jump, and jump (hence the word recognition above).  He just has a ball.

Still not sleeping all the way through the night, but he does do very well.  Typically he is asleep by 10:30 and he'll sleep with occasional nursing until about 5:00 or so.  It takes anywhere from a half-hour to an hour to get him back to sleep, but then we can usually count on him to rest until at least 8:00 or 9:00.  During the day he will typically cat nap a couple of time.  Oh, how I wish he were one of those babies that sleeps in a swing or bouncer.  No, Declan will only nap if held or worn and then only for a little bit.  Today, however, is proving to be the exception.  He's asleep in my lap at the moment and has been for the last two hours and 45 minutes!  Wow!

He is still in the stranger phase--he usually does not tolerate being held by anyone other than mom, dad, and big sister.  He began this phase at about 7 months, so it certainly made our visiting relatives rather awkward last month.  In the last week, he has shown a couple signs of progress, so we are hopeful that he'll start enjoying the company of others soon.

Everyday that I look at my boy, I am so touched by how much he is becoming a little boy.  No longer the newborn that I brought home with me all those months ago.  He has such a personality, such charm, and a definite independence.  I just cannot believe that in only a couple of months, he'll be a year old!  Oh, and did I mention that he now has SIX teeth!?  *sigh*

**Just a note: We are very touched that so many of our friends were worried about our boy.  Alas, some of those friends went too far and began spreading misinformation about his health and wellbeing--even going so far as to suggest that we, his parents, were not caring for him adequately.  Let me just point out that parenting, even when it goes beautifully, is stressful.  Having to squelch rumors of bad parenting is even more stressful.  Rest assured that I am the BEST mother for Declan, and Brian is the BEST father for him, too.  And either one of us would be happy to chat one-on-one about his wellbeing should anyone really want to do so.  

Six months, three weeks

Life with a six month-old is in full swing.  We are three weeks into his tenure as such and he's proving be quite the handful.  He has hit all the typical six month milestones.  He rolls.  He chitters.  He grabs.  (He is especially grabby when breastfeeding--OUCH!)  He is learning cause and effect, i.e. he loves picking up his toys and dropping them.  But he still has the occasional GERD flare-up.

A few weeks ago, frustrated that he was still insisting on using the Supplemental Nursing System from time to time, I scheduled an appointment with our lactation consultant to see if there was anything else we could do to encourage weaning from the SNS.  I had started weaning him, but was beginning to notice a decrease in diaper output (polite way of saying he wasn't peeing as much).  This concerned me, so I was continuing to supplement him.

The lactation professional told us that, because of the decrease in diaper output, we would have to continue the SNS.  I was disappointed, to be sure, to be in a situation where we needed to continue the one thing that causes his GERD flare-ups.  But Declan's health comes before my comfort--so continue it we have.  (The good news is that Declan will likely need the SNS for only a month or so more while his need for solid foods increases.)

About a month ago, Declan's interest in solid food was at an all-time high.  He had even gotten to the point where he was pulling food off of our plates if we happened to be holding him while eating.  Because of his delicate system, I wasn't too keen on introducing him to food right at six months, but he was obviously very keen on eating.  We decided to wait a little while, but that wait only ended up lasting about another week.  He was obviously ready, so we started him on food by introducing him to avocado. (Try as I might, I could not find our video of that first experience, so here is one of his third time eating banana.)

Since that first avocado, Declan has experienced banana, carrots--a favorite, sweet potato, and teething biscuits.  We also picked up one of those net/popsicle things and offered it to him with mango in it.  He is still unsure how he feels about frozen/cold food.  

Lunch at Zephyr

All in all, he is a good eater and still breastfeeds quite a bit.  Though I confess to being so proud of him yesterday as he sat with us at one of our favorite restaurants and happily ate fresh banana.

Oh, for anyone keeping count--still no teeth.  Copious amounts of drool.  Lots of chewing.  Just no teeth yet.  Frankly, I'm somewhat relieved.  I am not at all looking forward to him biting me while he breastfeeds.  

Lily isn't sewing

Nope.  I am currently listening to the milk-blurbly snores of my funny baby.  He is catnapping at the boob leaving me to type this one-handed.  Rather appropriate for the last day of World Breastfeeding Week.

Last week I played the birthday trump card and scored a trip to the marketplace at Costume College.  While there, I picked up two more Decades of Style patterns.  I've decided that so long as I still have this heavier version of me (thanks, postpartum me!), I am going to at least make some flattering, well-fitting attire for myself.

My figure isn't nearly as waspy, but whose is?

When I've been able to squeeze in a bit of time here and there, I've been working on a toile/muslin of the 1950s Gourmet Skirt.  Cute, isn't it?

I crafted the toile in the largest size the pattern offered believing that, as it was smaller than my last waist measurement, it would be snug.  But, no, it ended up waaaay to big.  Yay?  So I'm back to stage one.  Last night I managed to tear the toile apart, iron out the seams, and reassemble one pocket.  All hopes of stitching this morning went out the window when Brian left for archery practice leaving me alone with the babe.

Baby boy is still napping while boobing.  Very cute, but rather limiting.  Guess I'll go back to watching streaming episodes of I Love Lucy...

Dx: GERD--Follow-up Appointment

We had a follow-up appointment with Declan's pediatrician this past Tuesday.  Never have I been so pleased to see an increase on the scale--but Declan put on almost a full pound!  This is terrific news as it's the first time at the doctor's office that his weight has gone up and not down.

As for his GERD, we have still be seeing improvements.  Most days, Declan eats very well and keeps most of the food down.  Last week we did have a day of chronic spit-ups.  It seemed that after every meal, he "blurped" it all right back up.  It was messy and so frustrating.  But, thankfully, that day has proven to be a rarity.

Here he is--making faces in the car.  Big Sis calls this his Blue Steel face.

The doctor renewed Declan's prescription, plus wrote a prescription to hopefully help get insurance to pay for a hospital-grade breast pump rental.  The doctor would much rather have Declan supplemented with breast milk instead of formula--something that we'd all like very much, too.  But the Medela pump that I was generously given by a friend just is not cutting it.  I can pump for twenty minutes each side and barely produce 3/4 of an ounce.  We're hoping that a hospital-grade pump will be more efficient.

Looks so much like daddy

Otherwise, Declan did so well at the appointment that his doctor scheduled his next follow-up to be a month from now.

Yesterday, Declan was invited to accompany us to a friend's party.  Several of our friends remarked on how much chubbier our little lad was.  It was so heartwarming to hear that people are noticing that he is gaining back his weight.

He loves making faces.

Each day, we continue to try to pack on the pounds and help Declan keep his food down.  It's proving to be a slow process, but we're trucking along as best as we can.

Dx: GERD--one week

It's been one full week since we had to start dealing with Declan's reflux and supplementation.  I am very pleased to report that things have improved.

Last Wednesday was a nightmare.  We had to feed Declan more than he usually eats which caused his reflux to flare up which lead to a most unhappy little boy.  It was a nasty cycle of feed--spit-up--feed--spit-up.  He was in such pain that he was practically screaming whenever he was not actively eating.  By the end of the day, everyone in the house had shed tears.

Since that day, we've only had one teensy relapse--and that was for about an hour today.  After a nap this afternoon, he decided that he was starving, but not interested in breastfeeding.  As I am no lactation expert, I'm not at all sure why he was fighting nursing, but he would nurse for a bit, stop, and then start screaming in hunger.  We eventually just gave him a bottle of breast milk.

As I've mentioned, aside from the incident today, he has been terrific.  Sure, the reflux still brings about several spit-ups a day, but they are much more manageable and do not appear to be quite as painful.  Additionally, I can very happily report that Declan has gained about a pound this week.  Not quite, but almost.  Our in-home scale is not very sophisticated, so we cannot  be certain as to exactly how many ounces he's gained, but we are all very pleased to see him heavier.

In the coming week, we are going to continue with the current regimen and hope that he can put on even more weight.  I have continued pumping and am seeing that while not as efficient as hand-expression (though far more practical), my supply is increasing.  Declan has a follow-up appointment as well, so we are very hopeful to be able to report significant improvements.