[peaceful parenting] A Critical Look at Five Reasons

I tend to avoid HuffPo most days as it really is just another fluff site thinly disguising itself as news.  But several FB friends were sharing a particular article on parenting fails, so I clicked.  And I soon regretted it.  

The article is titled 5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting Is in Crisis, According to a British Nanny.  It might as well have been titled 5 Reasons to Be a D*ck to Children, According to a Judgmental Child-minder.  I’ll explain.

The author’s first reason today’s parents are lousy: some of us actually value our children’s preferences.  She writes:

“I have what I think of as "the sippy cup test," wherein I will observe a parent getting her toddler a cup of milk in the morning. If the child says, "I want the pink sippy cup, not the blue!" yet the mum has already poured the milk into the blue sippy cup, I watch carefully to see how the parent reacts. More often than not, the mum's face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum. Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit.”  (emphasis mine)

She is trying to make the point that modern parents are afraid of upsetting their kids, she instead comes off sounding like an insensitive shrew.  I’m not afraid of extra work, nor is there any doubt who is the parent and who the child in my relationship with my son.  But here’s the deal, if I always opt to go the easy route to avoid extra work, I’m showing my son that his opinions, his preferences, are unimportant.  

In fact, we had a similar struggle this morning.  Temperatures are warming up in my town.  Our house lacks air conditioning, our television puts of a LOT of heat.  Declan woke and immediately wanted to play on the Xbox.  I didn’t want to deal with the extra heat.  Instead of just telling him to suck it up, and letting him tantrum, we talked.  I made sure that his preferences were acknowledged.  I explained my position, he his.  And we compromised.  We kept the TV off during the hottest part of the day, turned it on when it cooled off.  Sure, he got upset a few times.  But we’re establishing a supportive relationship—not one where I rule and he obeys, period.  

Ironically, after alluding that modern children are somehow incapability of compromise, the author has this to say in Reason #2:

“Children are capable of much more than parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners, respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion.”

Wait… so my kid is somehow incapable of being reasoned with in Reason #1, but now they’re capable of it in Reason #2?  Now, I agree that kids are capable of quite a lot.  But I also recognize that my three year old has a less developed brain than I do.  (Quiet, Peanut Gallery!)  I do us both a disservice when I expect him to perform cognitively as well as I do.  

Additionally, there is the subtext to both of these Reasons that really bothers me: that the relationship between parent and child is a relationship where one party is in charge, and the other party is subservient.  Frankly, that is not the sort of relationship that I want from my kids.  I don’t want my children to blindly “obey” me, or anyone.  I want my children to listen, to think, to decide, and then act.  Not to just “do” without consideration beyond, “well, **authority figure** told me to do so.”  I recognize that I may be alone on this one, but I want our relationship to be one of mutual love and support.  Not blind adherence to a pecking order.

In Reason #3, the author actually makes some points that I agree with.  She claims that most folks are too afraid of backlash to assist in situations where a child has behaved in an inappropriate manner.  That today’s parents are so convinced that their kids are perfect that any stranger stepping in is unwelcome.  While it may be true that folks no longer swat at stranger’s kids, I would not go so far as to claim that the problem is mom and dad's deluded idea of the brilliance of their kids.  Rather, I think it's the fear of lawsuit for hitting a stranger's children.  Frankly, I'm glad of that.  Yes, I’ve been on the receiving end of glares from strangers, and I’ve also had folks kindly smile and give me a few reassuring words.  That’s a much better thing in my mind than the “good old days” when the neighbor felt it their duty to punish, and perhaps even spank my kids.

Do take this away from her Reason #3, though: “If a child is having a tantrum… observers should … be saying, "Hey, good work -- I know setting limits is hard.”  I agree.

Ready for Reason #4?  This one sounds good on the surface, were it not for the notion that again, children are not allowed to have a preference that is given value.  Here the author chides modern parents for using technology to soothe their kids.  Well, that advice is bang-on-trend with her established pattern of being a d*ck to kids.  Instead of acknowledging my child’s desire to entertain himself with a tablet, I’m again supposed to let him suck it up and get used to it.  She writes:

“Children must still learn patience. They must still learn to entertain themselves. They must still learn that not all food comes out steaming hot and ready in three minutes or less, and ideally they will also learn to help prepare it. Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad.“

Ugh.  She lost me at “self-soothe.”  Sounds way too much like the Cry It Out folks to my liking.  Need I point out some of the problems with Cry It Out?  Here’s a quote from an article from Psychology Today about it:

“With neuroscience, we can confirm what our ancestors took for granted---that letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term. We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.”

Okay, back to criticizing Reason #3: Time for a confession.  When I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had to endure a wait, I’ve found some pretty neat shortcuts for myself.  I’ve pulled out a book to distract myself.  I’ve caught up on emails on my phone.  I’ve journaled.  But according to the author, allowing my kid to do the same thing is somehow a disservice?  It really doesn’t make sense to me.

We finish with Reason #5, a brilliant culmination of the underlying hostility to kids presented in most of the other reasons: Parents put their children's needs ahead of their own. 

Surprise!  Yes, yes, I do.  If I wasn’t prepared to put someone’s needs before mine, I wouldn’t have become a parent.  Parenting is hard.  It is.  Really.  Really hard, sometimes.  But it is also a choice—and I completely, wholeheartedly respect anyone who says, “no thanks,” to the idea of parenthood.  It isn’t selfish to chose not to have kids.  But it is pretty selfish to chose to be a parent, but then chose to put yourself always first. 

To her credit, the author begins this reason thusly: “Naturally, parents are wired to take care of their children first, and this is a good thing for evolution! I am an advocate of adhering to a schedule that suits your child's needs, and of practices like feeding and clothing your children first.”  But then she loses me when she continues with: “But parents today have taken it too far, completely subsuming their own needs and mental health for the sake of their children.”

Yes, I have actually fetched my son’s water bottle when he was perfectly capable of doing it himself.  But I’ve also done the same for my spouse, and he for me.  Sometimes we do things out of love and because we want to show our love than for convenience or ease.  

Now, the author here suggests some decent advice: 

“There is nothing wrong with not going to your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night. There's nothing wrong with that dad at the zoo saying, "Absolutely you can have something to drink, but you must wait until we pass the next drinking fountain." There is nothing wrong with using the word "No" on occasion, nothing wrong with asking your child to entertain herself for a few minutes because mummy would like to use the toilet in private or flick through a magazine for that matter.”

I agree.  But there is also nothing wrong when I get up from my comfortable seat to walk across the room to hand my son the water bottle that was slightly out of reach for my kid.  It helps to grow our supportive relationship, just as occasionally saying, “Yes, I’ll play as soon as I am finished,” helps to show that I value him, his preferences, but also my own.  It’s a subtle difference, but it’s there.

In short, the article isn’t terrible.  It isn’t.  Maybe I was overstating things in summarizing her article as 5 Ways to be a D*ck to Kids, but then you probably wouldn't have read this. ;)  The author's approach isn’t the way that I want to raise my kids, because I clearly value a supportive relationship over a domineering one.  There are moments in my parenting where my behavior will seemingly overlap the behavior of a parent who does value a “because I’m the mom, that’s why” relationship.  While the practice may look alike at times, the principles are different.  

How would I suggest that moms and dads improve their parenting?  Hmm, I don’t know that I could break it down into five bite-sized pieces of advice.  But some of what would say might look like this:

1. Decide what sort of relationship you want with your kids.  
2. Implement behaviors that support that relationship.
3. Value principles over arbitrary rules.
4. Be kind to one another.

Hey, look at that.  I guess I almost did break it down into five little nuggets!

[peaceful parenting] Mama Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Barney

Around the time that my daughter was born, a new children’s show was all the rage.  Rage being a key word here as it also produced a LOT of push-back from parents, adults, and older siblings annoyed by the cloyingly saccharine song so famously associated with the show.  

I was one of those parents.  The show and its predominate purple protagonist left me so piqued that I engaged in strategic channel changing and PBS viewing schedules just to avoid exposing her to the show.

My efforts paid off, she never was much of fan.  (She only later learned of the show’s existence when she started preschool.  But always preferred to watch other programs, much to my relief.)

Flash forward to today, and I find myself dealing with the purple menace in a much bigger way.  Declan has, completely on his own, discovered the show via Netflix and Hulu on our tablet computers.  (Oh, if only both of those programs allowed parents to individually filter out certain shows!)  

Here's the techno-savvy lad now

Through no prompting nor training on our part, Declan has learned how to open the tablet, start the appropriate application, switch the application to the kid’s catalog, browse the options, pick a show, and watch it.  He is also very adept at rewinding and replaying key parts, particularly theme songs and musical numbers, over and over again.

Obviously, I’m no fan of some of his choices in viewing material.  My language makes that plain.  So why have I chosen to not only allow him to continue to view these shows, but also defend and support his tastes?

Well, I feel that to do otherwise would be shame him for being himself and expressing his tastes.

As much as I may not be a fan of cavity-inducing children’s music, it does not hurt him at all.  Whereas if I turned the situation from supportive to adversarial, someone must win and someone must lose.  That sort of relationship can cause harm; definitely to our relationship, but also to his developing sense of self.  So, instead of instituting a ban of B-word in this house, I’ve chosen to find acceptance.

Some may find my support to be a bit on the extreme side.  After all, would censoring his exposure from a children’s TV show *really* be that bad?  Honestly, I think that it might.  I’ve decided that my role in his life is to be a partner to him, and that a huge part of my “job” is to be supportive of his interests.  If I start to dismiss his curiosity and interests at this stage, how can I show him that I truly am interested in helping him to explore his world later on?

I’ll admit that this is perhaps a departure from some folks’ views of more conventional parenting.  But I’ll wager that even those people can cite a time in their adolescence when their parents chose to be adversarial at a time when they could have really used support instead.  I know that I can recall a few.  I can even recall moments when I really should have been more supportive of my daughter.

How do you as a parent view your relationship with your children?

On a somewhat related note, Declan has also--on his own--found Family Guy.  In some respects, I think that is almost more annoying than the dentally-challenged T-Rex.  No, it IS more annoying.*

*Yeah, I’m not a fan.  Too formulaic, too sophomoric, not witty enough.

Nap time miracle?

Prepare to be shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

Declan is asleep.  By himself.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself.


If you're currently scratching your head and wondering, "duh, babies sleep all the time, and there isn't enough room in a crib for anyone else," I have to catch you up to our reality.

A sleeping Declan, a wonderful sight

For a start, Declan does not have a crib.  He sleeps in a bed.  My bed to be precise.  (Well, our bed when you include my fella.)  We co-sleep.  While it may not be the best plan for everyone, it is certainly the best solution for us.  It has allowed us to get much more sleep as a whole.  And, I confess, it's a heck of a lot easier for me to just roll over to nurse him back to sleep than it would be to get out of bed, go to another room,  pull him out of bed, nurse him, and hope I can put him back in his crib without him waking again.  So, yes, laziness is definitely a factor.

Back to Declan napping, though...

Declan is not an easy guy to coax into sleeping.  He fights it, be it bedtime or nap.  Trying to get this boy to nap is a chore.  (Well, unless you're my daughter who must have some magic juju or something. Declan is asleep within fifteen minutes.  It's amazing.)  I'll save from the laborious details of what it sometimes takes to get this kid to nap.  But trust me, it's work.

Yet today, not so much.  Sure, my back is still aching from bouncing on a yoga ball for a good half-hour, but believe or not that's nothing!

Maybe he is finally getting used to the idea that he needs to nap?  Maybe letting him play quietly in his playpen before nap time is helping?  Maybe this is the only day we'll have such luck?

Whatever the answer, I'm just glad that it's happening now.

[peaceful parenting] Allegation: abuse

Roughly one year ago, my family was dealing as best we could with a very difficult and very stressful situation.

I had just finished up a doctor's appointment for myself.  I was worried that if I was coming down with something it could potentially hurt my new baby.  I decided to be proactive and nip any problem in the bud, hence the doctor visit.  Thankfully, I was fine.  As I got into my car to head home, my phone rang.  The number was blocked, so per my usual routine I let it go to voice mail.

Brian had managed to get off of work early that afternoon and had met me at the doctor's office to help with the baby.  He was gearing up to ride his bike home when I frantically waved him over to the car.

I had listened to the voice mail message.  It was from a woman I didn't know.  She identified herself as being with Child Protective Services.  She was outside my home and requesting entry to follow up on a call they had received that accused me of abusing my son.

I have to stop right here for a moment.  I will wager that everyone at one point or another in their lives is accused of something that they absolutely did not do.  I know that I've on rare occasion been accused of some petty stuff in my life, but to be accused of abusing my son--it was like a gut punch to my being.

Red-faced, scared and near hysterics, I shoved the phone at Brian to listen to the message.  I was shaking, unsure if I had heard the message correctly.

Brian listened, and I noticed a look of bewilderment wash over his face.  He confirmed that I had heard correctly, but he also could not understand why CPS would be at our door.

I called back the number, but got a voice mail.  I apologized for not being at home and left as calm of a message as I could requesting that the caller call me back at her convenience.  I was still shaking.

Brian suggested that we go grab some lunch to regroup and calm down.  I agreed as I just could not see myself doing anything productive with all the shaking.  As carefully as I could manage, I followed Brian to a nearby restaurant.  Shortly after arriving, my phone rang again.  I stayed in my car for privacy and I answered.  It was the caller from before.

In an official and matter-of-fact way, the caller again identified herself as a social worker and investigator for Child Protective Services.  They had received an anonymous phone call that morning in which the caller identified me, my husband, and son by name.  This anonymous caller knew my address and phone number, too.  And they claimed that I was abusing my son through neglect, that I was refusing to get him adequate medical attention, and that I was, due to lack of milk supply, not feeding him enough, and refusing to use formula.  The anonymous caller knew details of our situation that only a friend would know, in addition to our address and phone numbers.  But they had also mixed up many of the details and left out many of the facts of our situation.

Once I heard the report as relayed to me by the social worker, I was still deeply saddened and upset, but I was also horrified to think that a FRIEND was the one who called me an abuser.  As calmly as I could muster, I outlined our exact situation: Declan was under the care of a medical doctor, his pediatrician, and had been under his care since his THIRD day of life.  Declan was diagnosed with Gastro-Esophogeal Reflux Disease and we were breastfeeding him on demand.  Additionally, we were supplementing his feedings with additional milk or formula each time he breastfed.  While he had lost weight, his pediatrician was seeing him on an average of once a week and was closely monitoring the situation.  While it was true that I could only pump an average of 1 ounce at a time, lactation professionals and medical doctors acknowledge that the amount a woman is able to pump is NOT an adequate measure of how much their baby is able to draw down.  (Babies are much more efficient at extracting breast milk than pumps are.  Not to mention, 1 ounce is enough to fill a newborn's stomach.)

During my conversation with the social worker, I expressed shock that anyone who had access to the information given in the phone call would make such an accusation.  The social worker, to my surprise, told me that it was obvious to her that any one who would make such a call was a false friend and that I should be careful about who I trusted.  She went on to say that she understood why I was feeling betrayed, and that based on what I had told her it appeared that my case would be a colossal waste of her time.  Still, she added, if a call is made she is required to investigate and that she would have to come see us.  I understood and we made an appointment for later in the week to meet.

Lunch that day was not enjoyable to say the least.

Let me interrupt again.  Breastfeeding can be stressful.  Unfortunately, stress has an adverse effect on breast milk production.  When one's son is already dealing with health issues, and seeing a doctor every few days--you can bet that there is even more stress.  But you know what?  That stress is nothing compared to the stress one feels knowing that one of you "friends" could not be trusted, and you have no idea who that is.  Additionally, knowing that you're under investigation for child abuse--no matter how unfounded--is stressful.  So there is a deep irony.  Who ever this anonymous caller was, not only were they wasting tax payer resources and the social worker's time, they were actually adding to our stress and actively making our situation worse.

I lost a fair amount of sleep over the course of a few days, but eventually the day arrived when the social worker came to visit.  Upon arrival, she examined Declan.  As she looked him over and watched him nurse, she repeated her frustration at being called out to investigate when there was obviously no abuse.  She agreed that Declan was small, but she saw an alert, happy baby with no signs of lethargy (the anonymous caller claimed that Declan showed signs of lethargy and failure to thrive, they further claimed that he may even have some brain damage).  She mentioned that who ever called in the allegation, they probably had spent almost no time with Declan directly, or that they had almost no experience with children.

Small, but happy and alert

As much as we all would have liked the "case" to have ended right then and there with that visit, the social worker had a procedure to follow.  She repeatedly stressed to us that we were not the only ones upset by the anonymous call as she would have to spend valuable time on our case instead of serving the children truly in need.  She gave us an overview of what to expect: she would have to phone our pediatrician, she would have to sift through all of Declan's medical records, a nurse would have to visit our home and validate the social worker's assessment of Declan's good health, the social worker might have to visit a couple more times.  The investigation would come to a conclusion and we would receive a notice about their findings via a letter.

Just as the social worker predicted, we had to go through the steps above.  The nurse, upon her visit, also validated our position as loving, non-abusive parents.  Declan was small, she noted, but certainly not neglected nor abused.  Admittedly, it felt good to be validated, but it would have felt better had we never been accused in the first place.

The entire process from beginning to end lasted weeks upon weeks upon weeks.  The wheels of progress move very slow in these cases, and it is stressful the entire time.  Sure, I felt better hearing from professionals who, sadly, do see cases of actual abuse telling me that it was plainly obvious to them that there not even a whiff of abuse in our case, but--again--I would have much preferred to not be in the situation in the first place.

It is an awful feeling not knowing who to trust, constantly wondering if one "friend" or another was the anonymous caller.  Brian and I withdrew for a while for fear that this anonymous "friend" might try and use anything we said or did as fodder for another call.  We also listened very closely to questions that we were asked about Declan, and to comments made to us about him.  And eventually, we figured out who it was who placed that anonymous call.

We cannot ever be 100% certain unless they come forward and admit it*, but we are mostly certain that we know exactly who did it.  We were able to use the information that they had given to narrow down the field of possible callers--not everyone has our contact information, for instance.  We used other clues from the report itself to narrow down exactly which conversations they either had with us or overheard.  And then the probable caller even used a few key words and phrases from the allegation in conversation with us after the fact.

While it was (and even IS) tempting to completely cut this person out of lives, we've decided to keep our friends close and, in this case, our enemy closer.  We still see them socially, but we now know not to trust them, particularly with Declan.  We are civil in their presence, despite wishing we could let them know just how much trouble they caused.  And we are definitely careful about what we say lest they misunderstand us again and decide to waste more tax payer money by making another call.

As for the investigation, it did eventually come to close.  The social worker had told us all of the possible outcomes.  One way or another the case would be closed.  It could be determined to be inconclusive or unfounded.  A safety plan could be put into place, or not.  Or, worst case, they could decide that there was, in fact, abuse via neglect and they could remove Declan from our custody, but this last possibility was highly unlikely as nothing had pointed to even a shred of evidence of abuse.

On October of last year, a full FIVE months after the case was opened, we received our letter.  Below is the exact text (though I have edited out our name):

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mxxxxxxxd,
Thank you for your cooperation during our investigation.  Effective 10/13/2011 your referral has been closed by this Department.  The reason for this action is that the allegation of child abuse and/or neglect was unfounded.
A SDM Safety Plan was not put into place during the investigation.  If a SDM Safety Plan was put into place, this is to advise you that as of ____ the SDM Safety Plan is no longer in effect.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding this matter, please call me.

Why after almost a year am I finally coming out to talk about this?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  While one of the first things I wanted to do after receiving that voice mail was to run to my friends for support, I knew that I could not because I had no clue which "friend" had claimed that I was a bad mother.  Additionally, I did not want to give the anonymous caller the satisfaction of knowing all the pain, all the stress, and all the crying (oh, there was a LOT of crying) that we were going through.  A real friend, with real concerns, would come to us directly with their worries.  A jealous friend, a bitter friend would hide behind a veil and deliberately stir up trouble.

So, doesn't this finally give that jealous friend the satisfaction that they wanted so badly last year?  Maybe.  But I hope that it also puts them on notice:  We know who you are now.  We know what you're capable of now.  But we also have an official piece of paper, a permanent record, that tells us how wrong you were to ever call me an abuser.  Unfounded is a new favorite word of mine.

Now, it's very possible this person only had good intentions.  They saw something that concerned them and took a misguided step to help.  But a friend? They should have come to us and found out the whole story, the true story (or even spoken with friends closer to us, as they would have known the facts), instead of giving false information to the authorities.  They made a tough situation worse.  Hopefully this will make them (and anyone else who reads this) think twice before taking a drastic step that turns lives upside down.

---

Here's my funny guy now

On a positive note, in the last several months we have all taken steps towards recovery from this harrowing experience.  I feel that I have moved closer to being able to trust people again.  I no longer live in fear of every glance towards my son.  I've even lost almost twenty of the numerous pounds that this stress put onto my poor frame.

Declan is, of course, still happy, alert, and very healthy.  He is so smart and so clever and such a sweet little boy.  We are all completely crazy about him and he continues to surprise us every day with his growth and development.

*You know who you are, of course.  And we would love to hear your apology when you are ready, but we cannot be counted on to wait forever.

Eleven months and two days

In a few days less than a month, I'll be celebrating Declan's first birthday.  Cripes.  I was just thinking about how he's been around for longer than I was pregnant with him, yet it feels like less time has past.  Weird.

Who needs toys when there are KEYS!

Yes, Declan is eleven months old now!  And boy, do we have our work cut out for us.  He is mobile.  I repeat: he is mobile.  Quick, too.  He has truly mastered his crawling technique, a combination of crawling and crab-walking.  He can make it over to the dog's water bowl in the blink of an eye.  (That being one of his favorite, forbidden "toys.")

He has also expanded his repertoire of understood words and phrases.  He now will happily push a button on one of his toys when asked to do so.  He also gives kisses on demand to Big Sis and Daddy.  (Seldom interested in planting love on Mom, ah, well.)  He also is recognizing several baby signs, including "more,"and "milk."

Exploring the grass at Mile Square Park

Speaking of food, we've learned that he loves eating whatever Mom or Dad is eating.  He will flatly reject food offered to him if it is not what he sees us eating.  Declan still snacks on crackers and cereal, but will not be pacified with eating those if he sees one of us eating something else.

We are still happily nursing, too.  His six, almost eight teeth have made nursing a bit err... "bitey" at times, but Declan only seems to bite when he is bored.  Solution: remove him from the breast when he stops actively nursing.  This is working so far for us.

LOVES the pickles at Disneyland

We have decided to delay introduction to typical trigger foods, for the most part.  (We had to order mac-n-cheese for him out of desperation when there was nothing else his system could digest while we were out once.  Now he gets it occasionally.)  No refined sugars, no chocolate, no "nuggets" of any kind.  He eats mostly whole foods, as unprocessed as possible.  It's been tricky at times (see the mac-n-cheese comment), but we've done our best.  We've had to politely beg-off cookies, cake, ice cream.  He'll have a lifetime to enjoy those treats, but we'd like to start him off enjoying healthier foods.  And he is happy to eat them, too!

Declan is become more social.  He is beginning to make it out of the stranger phase and is allowing some folks to hold him for small amounts of time.  This is a tremendous relief to me as having it has been quite awkward having to politely explain to people that it's not that he doesn't like them, he just doesn't want to be held by them.

EARS!

This past month, we introduced Declan to that SoCal institution: Disneyland.  I've found that wearing him in either his soft sided carrier or our Vatanai wrap works best.  No stroller to push, easier to navigate the crowds, and I do not even need to remove him to ride rides.  I really do pity those folks trudging along with the strollers.  What a headache that must be!  Alas, I suspect that once Declan is even MORE mobile, we just might have to join the stroller flock.  Not looking forward to it.

Declan loves just observing all the people and all the fuss at the park.  He does tolerate a few rides, but seems happier people-watching in the queue house.  I figure it is only a matter of time before he is all about the characters and the rides.

All in all, he seems to be developing apace with his peers.  He's becoming such a clever boy, but definitely all boy.  He loves bagging on objects, and turns just about everything he can hold into a hammer.

Ten months this week

One goal that I had in creating this journal was to jot my son's development.  Any regular reader of my blog can already point out that I've failed.  Thankfully, I have have failed because I've been spending so much time with my son, and not a lot of time writing about him.

Years from now, I'll struggle to remember exactly when he cut his first teeth (heck, I'm struggling to remember that now!), but I doubt that I'll regret that I chose to be with him instead of updating this blog.

To note a few milestones:

While Declan still does not crawl, he does manage to get from one place to another a few feet away with relative ease.  He does it by somewhat crawling, somewhat scooting, somewhat crab-walking.  It's fascinating to watch.  Of particular interest to him (i.e. things that he often moves toward) include the dog's water bowl, six packs of beer, and kitchen tools such as pots/pans.

Declan LOVES to stand with support.  He has even showed enough daring to let go of said support for a few seconds at a time.  Yes, we are a bit worried that he'll skip crawling all together and go straight to running.  One behavior currently holding him back from this possibility is his habit of "dancing" once in a standing position.  Declan likes to rock his body back and forth while bobbing his head.  It is dangerously cute.

He is still a champion eater and breastfeeder.  Kid eats like food is going out of style.  Particular dietary favorites include oatmeal, bananas, sweet potatoes, saltines, graham crackers, and anything on Daddy's plate.  Declan will wolf down an adult serving of oatmeal after breastfeeding, and then demand to wash it down with more fresh breast milk.  All this eating has certainly fattened him up a bit, but I confess that I'm growing tired of the "Oh, he looks healthy now" comments.  Declan did suffer from low weight, that is true.  But Declan was always healthy.  He was always alert, never suffered from "failure to thrive" and was never at risk of any significant, or permanent health problems.  Sorry for the defensiveness, but I must counter the misinformation.  Still, we love our little chunky monkey very much and have always done everything we could to care for him in the best way possible.**

Back to fun milestones.

His language cognition is amazing.  He has known his name for a long while now, but he also recognizes the words "bounce," "jump," "more," "milk," "food," "dog," and "phone."  (And those are just the ones I can recall right now.)  We are using sign language to assist his communication.  Babies usually begin signing at around 14 months or so, so Declan does not sign back yet.  But we were told to sign to him as much as possible from about 6 months onward.

Declan has a new favorite toy: his exerciser!  After a few incidents where we paid good money for an item for him only to have him reject it, we were a bit worried.  He to this day dislikes the swing, and has no love for the pack-n-play, to name a couple.  But we let him try out the toy at the store and he seemed to adore it.  He'll still in it and jump, and jump, and jump (hence the word recognition above).  He just has a ball.

Still not sleeping all the way through the night, but he does do very well.  Typically he is asleep by 10:30 and he'll sleep with occasional nursing until about 5:00 or so.  It takes anywhere from a half-hour to an hour to get him back to sleep, but then we can usually count on him to rest until at least 8:00 or 9:00.  During the day he will typically cat nap a couple of time.  Oh, how I wish he were one of those babies that sleeps in a swing or bouncer.  No, Declan will only nap if held or worn and then only for a little bit.  Today, however, is proving to be the exception.  He's asleep in my lap at the moment and has been for the last two hours and 45 minutes!  Wow!

He is still in the stranger phase--he usually does not tolerate being held by anyone other than mom, dad, and big sister.  He began this phase at about 7 months, so it certainly made our visiting relatives rather awkward last month.  In the last week, he has shown a couple signs of progress, so we are hopeful that he'll start enjoying the company of others soon.

Everyday that I look at my boy, I am so touched by how much he is becoming a little boy.  No longer the newborn that I brought home with me all those months ago.  He has such a personality, such charm, and a definite independence.  I just cannot believe that in only a couple of months, he'll be a year old!  Oh, and did I mention that he now has SIX teeth!?  *sigh*

**Just a note: We are very touched that so many of our friends were worried about our boy.  Alas, some of those friends went too far and began spreading misinformation about his health and wellbeing--even going so far as to suggest that we, his parents, were not caring for him adequately.  Let me just point out that parenting, even when it goes beautifully, is stressful.  Having to squelch rumors of bad parenting is even more stressful.  Rest assured that I am the BEST mother for Declan, and Brian is the BEST father for him, too.  And either one of us would be happy to chat one-on-one about his wellbeing should anyone really want to do so.  

Six months, three weeks

Life with a six month-old is in full swing.  We are three weeks into his tenure as such and he's proving be quite the handful.  He has hit all the typical six month milestones.  He rolls.  He chitters.  He grabs.  (He is especially grabby when breastfeeding--OUCH!)  He is learning cause and effect, i.e. he loves picking up his toys and dropping them.  But he still has the occasional GERD flare-up.

A few weeks ago, frustrated that he was still insisting on using the Supplemental Nursing System from time to time, I scheduled an appointment with our lactation consultant to see if there was anything else we could do to encourage weaning from the SNS.  I had started weaning him, but was beginning to notice a decrease in diaper output (polite way of saying he wasn't peeing as much).  This concerned me, so I was continuing to supplement him.

The lactation professional told us that, because of the decrease in diaper output, we would have to continue the SNS.  I was disappointed, to be sure, to be in a situation where we needed to continue the one thing that causes his GERD flare-ups.  But Declan's health comes before my comfort--so continue it we have.  (The good news is that Declan will likely need the SNS for only a month or so more while his need for solid foods increases.)

About a month ago, Declan's interest in solid food was at an all-time high.  He had even gotten to the point where he was pulling food off of our plates if we happened to be holding him while eating.  Because of his delicate system, I wasn't too keen on introducing him to food right at six months, but he was obviously very keen on eating.  We decided to wait a little while, but that wait only ended up lasting about another week.  He was obviously ready, so we started him on food by introducing him to avocado. (Try as I might, I could not find our video of that first experience, so here is one of his third time eating banana.)

Since that first avocado, Declan has experienced banana, carrots--a favorite, sweet potato, and teething biscuits.  We also picked up one of those net/popsicle things and offered it to him with mango in it.  He is still unsure how he feels about frozen/cold food.  

Lunch at Zephyr

All in all, he is a good eater and still breastfeeds quite a bit.  Though I confess to being so proud of him yesterday as he sat with us at one of our favorite restaurants and happily ate fresh banana.

Oh, for anyone keeping count--still no teeth.  Copious amounts of drool.  Lots of chewing.  Just no teeth yet.  Frankly, I'm somewhat relieved.  I am not at all looking forward to him biting me while he breastfeeds.  

One Swingin' Fella

And so it begins... the guilt.  Nice baby-faced helpings of it.

Let me back up and bring you up to speed.  At the end of this month, Husband and I will be going on a "cruise" aboard the Art Deco gem, the Queen Mary.  Every Labor Day weekend, the Art Deco Society of Los Angeles hosts a festival of Art Deco lectures, cocktail parties, and just all out splendor aboard this floating hotel.  It was at this festival three years ago that my husband and I became engaged.  Two years ago, we were married there.  It is a special place and a special event.  Husband and I save so as to be able to attend each year.

Since before the Little Fella was born, his aunt has offered to sit for us.  Declan will be with us on Friday evening, so as to quell some of the questions about him.  But I am grateful that my sister-in-law has been eager to help us by watching Declan on Saturday and Sunday.  In order to get Declan prepared for playing and sleeping with her, we decided to chuck some money at the baby industry and purchase a baby swing.

To back up a bit further, I had initially decided that we would be a non-swinging family.  Sure, my daughter ADORED hers when she was an infant, but I had a lot more room at my disposal then.  Currently, the four of us live in a meager two-bedroom apartment where space is at a premium.  Have you seen the current army of baby swings?!  They're HUGE!  So I made an executive decision and vetoed the swing idea.  Plus, as a proponent of attachment parenting, my hope was to wear the baby most of the time. Too bad he doesn't always want to be worn...

What is it about babies that all the best-laid plans manage to go right out the window on a whim?

Since the Little Fella is not always keen to be in the Moby Wrap or his Hotsling, or even his Gemini carrier, we purchased for him a bouncy seat a few weeks back.  He LOVES being in the bouncer while Husband or I cook.  Declan is just the most contented little guy there, however he will not fall asleep in it.

Naptimes around here happen one of two ways.  1) Declan falls asleep while nursing and I refrain from doing anything until he wakes.  2) Declan falls asleep in his Hotsling while his dad finger-feeds him.  As Declan will be under the care of neither one of us for two days during the festival, we need a new sleep option.  Thus did we decide to suck it up and buy a baby swing.

We figured that our odds for getting him to sleep without boob or sling would be best with a swing.  Now we just have to get him used to it.  THIS is where my guilt comes in to play.  When I put him into the swing, he looks at me as if to ask, "Why don't you want to hold me?"  He doesn't fuss, and doesn't even look sad or upset.  But my mind immediately and irrationally imagines him questioning me.

This ought to make for a few interesting days.